Sugar Cookies and Pumpkin Pie

Today I really wanted to bake up some amazing Christmas sugar cookies. I have a ton of cookie cutters in the most adorable shapes, none of them have been put to use though and that made me sad when I thought about it last night. I wanted to put these bad boys to good use and bring a sparkle to the eyes of those around me, because.. Who doesn’t love a freaking sugar cookie in the shape of a Christmas tree. Side note: I swear very heavily in real life, it’s quite difficult to not constantly swear when I’m writing about things. While I was going for my undergrad there were a few essays that I swore in, and passed. End side note: I attempted sugar cookies today. Attempted is the key word. I did not succeed in this recipe. “Who the hell messes up sugar cookies?” You ask, this little lady does. I took this dessert from Alton Brown’s recipe on – thanks for nothing Alton! I totally take that back, I am completely at fault for this mistake. I have found that if there is anyone else in my kitchen when I am baking, unless it’s my mother and we are baking together, I forget how to read and skip steps or don’t pay enough attention to what I’m doing. This always ends up in a fury of swearing at myself or, in this case, at innocent sugar and flour.


Let’s start from the beginning, the recipe.

Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside. Place butter and sugar in large bowl of electric stand mixer and beat until light in color. Add egg and milk and beat to combine. Put mixer on low speed, gradually add flour, and beat until mixture pulls away from the side of the bowl. Divide the dough in half, wrap in waxed paper, and refrigerate for 2 hours.

How could someone NOT follow these directions? I have no idea. I really, truly, honestly, do not know. What went wrong in my brain? I think I was just so excited to make these that I blocked out the fact that I have never made sugar cookies from scratch before and, like many of these other recipes, I had no idea what I was actually doing. Everything was measured out correctly, there was great intent inIMG_0771my heart to have these come out perfectly baked and decorated with joy. Well, I decided to omit, “Place butter and sugar in large bowl of electric stand mixer and beat until light in color.” I hadn’t noticed these directions and had put the sugar in with the rest of the dry mix. I figured that out when the thought of, “what the hell am I mixing the butter with?” Came up as I perfectly measured the unsalted margarine out. I tried to make this mistake better and so, like any cook baker, I threw my hand into the dry mix and tried to scoop out the sugar and mix it with the butter in another bowl. Except I had already put the egg in with the butter – I don’t know why! I really don’t know how any of this made sense during the moment. Taking you to this crime scene – I am mixing one large egg with one cup of butter and an array of sugar and some flour. I thought it started to look good, adding in the rest of the dry mix little by little. It never got to the point of pulling away from the sides of the mixing bowl. At this time I decided to yell out for my mother, who ultimately said, “you’re fucked, toss it out.” That sugar cookie mixture of horrific memories now sits in my kitchen garbage in its own personal Target shopping bag.IMG_0772

I was absolutely furious at myself. Red in the face angry. How could I not make something? How could I not post a dessert today? I couldn’t just post a failed recipe! That would look stupid and make me look like the amateur I truly am. I searched through the hundreds of recipes I have saved in hopes of making, and couldn’t find anything I really wanted to make because of how disappointed I was in myself. Looking through my pantry for an inspiration I remembered that I had pumpkin pie mix! I asked my mother what her opinion on this idea was and she said it sounded good, we could freeze it for Christmas and the recipe is easy as shit, and I still had a pre-made pie crust sitting in my refrigerator. Everything seemed perfect.

IMG_0773Three ingredients, plus a pie crust go into pumpkin pie: a can of Libby’s pumpkin pie mix, 2/3 (5 ounces) of evaporated milk, and two large eggs, beaten. Well. You guys are going to think there is something very, very wrong with me. I was excited to make this dessert, I love pumpkin pie and so does everyone in my family. (Note that I won’t be eating these desserts because I don’t eat desserts. I eat salads and it’s awful). But, I wanted to make a dessert for Christmas anyways and being able to freeze this and just have to heat it up the day of sounded wonderful!

Throwing in the entire can of evaporated milk, the can of pumpkin pie mix, and the two large eggs, I started to stir it all up. First off, I am just now realizing I was suppos ed to beat the eggs before adding them in. Oops. After everything was nicely stirred together I poured it into the pie crust, except there was some pumpkin pie left over – pumpkin pie mix that looked like tomato soup. I figured the pie plate I was using was an 8″ instead of 9″ which would make sense, I think. The oven was preheated, so it was time to put my pie in the oven and let the aroma fill my house. Thankfully, I took a picture of the can to write this recipe down. I was feeling extra ambitious and immediately started typing it up after throwing the pie into the oven. Throwing it gently, obviously. The can of pumpkin pie mix is the first ingredient in the recipe, then 2/3 (5 ounces) of evaporated milk – that’s when it hit me, and it hit me hard. I was a moron. I poured in the entire can of milk. All 12 ounces of it. That’s why I had mix left over, the pie pan was perfectly fine, I was just an idiot. An idiot for the second time. Laughing, I yelled out to anyone in my house that would listen that I had messed up this recipe as wIMG_0784ell.IMG_0782

After pouring the extremely watery pumpkin pie mixing of my sink, I came to the conclusion that a successful dessert was not being made today. This is a failed post, I have no dessert to show you guys, all I have are regrets, and a hate for Alton Brown. End result: a funny story with a useless post.


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